“Are You There?” Toxic Masculinity in Online Dating Sites

If you are a femme and have dated online, you have probably experienced being verbally harassed until you respond to some idiot cis straight man’s message. “Hello…. Are you there?… Guess not…. Well I guess you’re too busy to talk to me…Fuck you.” What alarms me most about this attitude of men online is that it is so very prevalent. It’s not a few men here and there that are doing this, it’s a significant portion. So much so that I’m afraid to not get back to a guy right away lest I receive a barrage of verbal abuse. I am a domestic violence survivor, so to me this behavior strikes a deeply imbedded nerve in me. And make no mistake, this behavior is abusive and not okay by any means. While the man engaging in these behaviors might not necessarily engage in verbally, psychologically or physically abusive behaviors while in a relationship, it represents something far more nefarious and far-reaching. Domestic violence is viewed as a kind of deviation from what is seen as a kind, loving relationship. Toxic masculinity, such as the behavior these random men display on online dating sites, is all too socially accepted and easily dismissed. Toxic masculinity and it’s behaviors are also deeper than one individual — they are rooted in cultural values and beliefs about gender. In this case, mainstream American cultural ideas about gender roles and the obligation that femme folks have to concretize the identity of cisgender men and to act as the validating “other” doing due diligence to make sure the male hegemony has what it needs to continue to rule. Femme folks are expected to uphold and validate men through the submission of their own complete and autonomous identities. When femmes “fail” in this regard to validate manhood, they are punished. Online, this takes the form of verbal abuse and harassment for not guarding the sacred dirty secret that is male vulnerability. We in America, particularly among white people, like to think of ourselves as so “advanced” and “progressive” when it comes to gender roles. We’re not. Femme folks are not allowed to be whole, three dimensional people with complex lives and responsibilities. Or we are, but up until the point that it interferes with a cis man’s precious ego. It is not the job of femmes to engage in this bullshit performative emotional labor. And it is not fair that femmes have to fear verbal abuse and bullying on dating sites as a common occurrence. This behavior is unacceptable. Femmes do not owe you their time, femmes do not owe you their attention. Femmes don’t owe you shit.