Queer and Trans Sex Magic: Kinky Queer Sex Has Been My Rebirth

I thought a lot about how to write this article. I’m a childhood survivor of sexual abuse. Actually, a lifetime survivor of physical and sexual abuse Exclusively by cishet men. I’m thirty-three years old and abuse was pretty much a constant for me everyday, every year of my life until I was twenty-eight years old. I haven’t had sex with anyone or dated anyone since that age. Really, what started as a way to protect myself by just pulling away from sex altogether had become something I didn’t know how to undo. Sex scared me. It scared me because it had always been used as a tool to destroy me; my body, my will, my individuality, my relationship to my body, my most intimate and sacred of selves. Sex was a bedroom tool for domination in life. I don’t identify as a woman, but I was born assigned female and treated like a woman for my whole life. Even though I don’t exactly identify as a woman, I don’t NOT identify as a woman either. What do I mean by that? Well, sexual violence disproportionately effects people who do not present or identify as cishet white men (please note, this does not mean sexual violence against cishet men or boys does not happen as it clearly does and is equally egregious). But because I am not a cishet male, I will focus on sexual violence against womxn (please also note I’m including trans women here cause women are women). I feel like my whole life has been shaped and molded by my assigned gender in ways that I could have potentially avoided had I been a cishet man. And that is the definition of institutional oppression of marginalized people.

A few weeks ago, a good friend of mine who is involved in the kink community invited me to a Queer sex party hosted by the kink community where I live. I was nervous because not only had I not had sex or dated anyone in years, but I was really terrified that I would see something that would trigger my PTSD. Now those who know me and my activism work know how sex-positive I am…. For everyone else. But for myself, I struggle with sex positivity and shame in ways that are deeply entrenched in me. I feel grossed out by my naked body. I don’t like to touch my own vagina. And when cis men so much as touch my arm I feel like I want to scream and run as far as I can. I feel endlessly frustrated that because of what other people have done to me, I am ashamed of myself and still carry feelings that my body is dirty and disgusting and bad. When I walked in and sat down, a woman who worked at the kink facility took an hour to give an orientation to new folks which included not only what could and could not happen in that space but also what consent meant and didn’t mean in that space. There was no alcohol served and no one was allowed to come to the party visibly intoxicated or high.

People were having sex here and there during the party, yes, but there were also a lot of folks not having sex and just engaging in kink or even just talking and mingling with other queer kinky folks. It became clear to me: Kink is not all about sex. In fact, kink doesn’t have to be about sex at all. I began to have feelings I didn’t know I could have as I watched people being blindfolded and hog tied with gentility, or one half of a couple being caged and electrocuted while their partner then pauses to check in with them after some pretty intense screaming. The first time I pegged a cis man, I felt so fucking powerful. It was an awakening of what sex could be and was the first time i ever felt sex was cathartic. As I watched all the possibilities for pain to be humane and even loving and compassionate, I became completely sexually awakened. The power of Queer sexuality, of MY sexuality became abundantly clear to me. I felt like all the shame I had been carrying just lifted from me. I felt so light. Truthfully, attending this party opened a wonderful door I can never come back from. I feel free. I feel happy and liberated, and most amazingly, in love with my own body. Just as it is. And the shame i carry also as a result of being a queer and trans person whose body “does not match their gender” can be let go of. I can be different and confuse people and still deserve sexual pleasure. When queer and trans people demand pleasure it is a courageous act of social justice. Sex is powerful. But I know now it doesn’t have to be a negative kind of powerful. It doesn’t have to be about rape and pain and hate and shame and exploitation. Sex can be mine. All mine. And queer as fuck.