What Trans Looks Like: The Impact of Cis Presumptions on Trans Experiences
You don’t know what Trans looks like. I know you think you do, but you don’t. Look at the picture in my Medium bio- looks pretty cis lady-ish, huh? Over the summer I went to some gay bars with friends. I am a gay Trans man — and believe me, being Trans in the world of gay cis men is no easy task. Even now saying that I feel gross and weird and I’m sure you feel the same. What bothers me the most right now about being a Trans man is that people assume that “transition” is implied and compulsory. Ummm… yes, some people choose to do a full physical transformation but some people don’t. And what “transition” means to one trans person is bound to be different from another.
Trans issues are much more on the forefront now than even a few year ago, which is amazing and exciting. But now everyone who has seen an episode of Orange is the New Black thinks they know what it means to be Trans. You don’t. Just because Laverne Cox or other more prominent Trans folks may have decided that a more binary look is how they want to present their gender, that does not mean that is what being Trans look like for every Trans person.
A few months ago, I walked into a bear bar that did not have a woman’s bathroom (gay cis men discriminating against Trans folks? Shocking. Insert eye roll here.) Still presenting as primarily female, I felt scared to go into the men’s bathroom but that was the only bathroom there was so I had no choice. I walked into an empty restroom, relieved, and went into the only stall. A minute later two men entered and proceeded to begin peeing in the urinals while one said loudly to the other- “hey, just watch what you say, there’s a fucking BROAD in here.” My blood ran cold. The stall I had just went into had no lock so I was attempting to hold it closed with my hands and was convinced they were going to kick the door in and either beat my ass or rape me a la Boys Don’t Cry. Not only did it not occur to them that I AM A GAY MAN but also that where else was I supposed to pee if you aren’t offering any safe alternative for folks?
Making a physical transformation to a more binary male presentation is scary to me because what if I can’t “pull it off?” Then I don’t even want to try. I’m poor and jobless and I feel scared that no one will ever want to give me a job if I look like a “weirdo.” Who is going to want to have sex with me or love me if I look like a freak of nature? I already feel ugly and unloveable from years of childhood abuse and rape and domestic violence…. who is going to accept me? I don’t even accept me.
Transition is complicated. We can’t assume someone’ gender just by looking at them because “transition” means different things to different Trans folks, and that’s okay. It isn’t safe for everyone to make a “full” transformation- especially for people of color, low income folks, and abuse survivors who may not have a strong support network.
Please just don’t presume to think that you know what it means to be me. You don’t. You don’t have to go up against the same barriers that I do. So cis people- FUCK OFF with your bullshit quasi knowledge of Trans people. You don’t know shit. You don’t know me and you don’t know the multiple struggles that Trans folks can face. I don’t need your feeble attempts to define me when it’s hard enough for me to be able to define myself. There is no one way to be Trans. So cis people, give up the ghost. I don’t care how many radical, liberal Facebook groups you belong to and how long you’ve been shopping at Rainbow Grocery and sending Holiday donations to Sylvia Rivera Law Project… you always have more to learn from us. And it is us Trans folks who will tell YOU what it means to be Transgender in America. So shut the fuck up, strap yourself in and listen.
